"My child just can't concentrate!"
Dreamy children and children with ADHD (described in research as ADHD predominantly inattentive presentation) show a number of typical difficulties when learning:
They find it difficult to focus on a task for long periods of time. This is particularly the case if the task seems boring or strenuous. If, on the other hand, their intrinsic motivation is high, they can usually concentrate well, sometimes even better than other children (hyperfocus).
They can be distracted quickly and frequently. Partly from external stimuli, but also from their inner world. Children with ADHD often drift off into daydreams.
Their pace of work is often slow. Typical statements from parents and teachers are: "Homework that could be done in 15 minutes often takes over an hour. This means she hardly has any free time" or "He hardly makes any progress during quiet work. Sometimes you don't even know what he has done in these lessons."
They often have low expectations of self-efficacy. When faced with challenging tasks, they quickly become frustrated and give up: "I can't do it!", "I'm too stupid!"
In this article, you will learn how you can make everyday life easier for affected children when doing their homework or at school. They are based on our book "Charlie, are you daydreaming again" (available on amazon.co.uk and soon on amazon.com)
"You're focusing right now!"
For many children with ADD or ADHD, concentration is a red rag. They are repeatedly told by adults that they are not listening, that they are not concentrating enough and that they should "finally stick to the task at hand". They may also have been told during the diagnostic process that they have an attention deficit.
All of this can create the expectation in children that they "can't concentrate anyway" and that it is therefore not worth making an effort.
As motivation and concentration are closely interrelated, it becomes even more difficult for children to engage with a task.
What daydreamy and inattentive children need are teachers and parents who consciously focus on the exceptions and report successful moments back to the child.
One teacher told us: "I always have a handful of pretty pebbles in my bag. If a dreamy child concentrates while working still or listens to an explanation, I put a pebble on the table. Not as a reward, but simply as feedback. The children feel seen and are happy about it. At the end of the school day, they give me the stones back."
One father explains: "I used to get upset when our daughter didn't concentrate, I reproached her, criticized her and pushed her. This made it increasingly difficult: I could hardly persuade her to do her homework with me. Now I pay attention to whether things are going well and address this: "You seem very focused today" or "We made good progress today. Look what you've managed to do in this time!"
It takes no more time to point out such moments to a child than it does to criticize them. The difference is that criticism makes dreamy children and children with ADHD insecure, confirms their negative self-image (I'm someone who can't concentrate anyway) and puts a strain on the relationship, whereas focusing on successful phases:
Promotes children's self-efficacy: "I may not be able to concentrate as well as others, but I always succeed when I try!"
Improves the relationship with parents and teachers: "Mrs. Jensen likes me and sees that I'm making an effort!"
Increases motivation: "I managed it yesterday. Let's see if I can do it again today!"
Improves self-control: The children register how it feels to concentrate and notice, for example, that they sit up straight at these moments, look ahead or at their task, have a certain muscle tone or give themselves helpful instructions such as: "What do I do next? What is this task about? I can still do that by the end of the lesson!"
If the child is not concentrating, it is more helpful if you offer them support instead of criticizing them. Questions like the following can help:
Do you know what you want to do next?
Is it too much? Will it help if we make smaller portions?
Do you need a short break? Or a snack?
What do you want to get done in the next 5 minutes?
Short learning and homework sprints instead of a marathon
"Homework takes hours!" says one mother. "And how often do you and your child take breaks during this time?" we want to know. The answer is almost always the same: "We don't take breaks. He's always taking breaks and dawdling around anyway - and if I allow a real break, there's an endless back and forth until we can carry on."
For daydreamy, slow children in particular, it is essential that they are allowed to take breaks while learning. It is assumed that children without attention deficit have a concentration span of around age x 2. This means, for example, 20 minutes for a ten-year-old child. For very dreamy children and especially those affected by ADHD or ADD, we should keep the work phases even shorter. Perhaps we should do a ten-minute sprint three times instead of half an hour?
In doing so, children can learn to consciously focus for a short time and then deliberately release their focus again instead of drilling holes in the eraser with a pencil, playing around with a ballpoint pen or going to the toilet every 15 minutes out of tiredness, exhaustion and boredom. These "stolen" breaks have little recreational value and usually lead to criticism from outside.
To help the children make good use of their short focusing times, it is helpful if they set themselves a small goal each time: In the next 10 minutes, I'll learn these five vocab words!
Working with a timetimer, a clock in which the available time is displayed in the form of a red disk that gradually disappears, has proven to be helpful. Hourglasses are too distracting for most dreamy children.
Limit homework time
Children with ADHD and ADD need more rest than others. Leaving them to do their homework for two or three hours just to get the worksheets done is detrimental to them. As a result, their motivation problems become ever greater and the desire to avoid homework ever more urgent.
As a parent of an affected child, it is essential that you talk to the teacher about how long the school or teacher thinks a child should spend on homework. There are usually guidelines on this.
The vast majority of elementary school teachers do not want children to waste hours on homework and are therefore open to the following suggestion:
The child is allowed to stop the homework when he or she has worked with concentration for x minutes.
Example: Emma, a very daydreamy third grader, used to do homework with her mother for hours almost every day. "You could usually get the few things done in 20 minutes!" says her mother. Together with the teacher, it is agreed that from now on Emma can stop doing her homework as long as she has worked for 30 minutes with concentrated effort. These 30 minutes are broken down into three ten-minute sprints. In between, Emma is allowed to take a short break for 2 to 3 minutes, during which she drinks a glass of water, eats something, looks out of the window or moves around. Care is taken to ensure that Emma does not become engrossed in another activity, but simply takes a short break. The mother supports her by setting the goal for the next 10 minutes together with Emma. Then she asks: "Ready? Do you know what you want to do? Go!" and switches on the timer. If Emma drifts off into her daydreams or looks out of the window lost in thought, her mother stops the timer and says: "Do you need a short break or can you carry on?".
Over time, Emma becomes better at assessing her own concentration. She notices more quickly when she gets distracted and can focus better and better for 10 minutes. She is very happy that she finally has enough free time again and that the stressful homework marathons are over. After a few weeks, she completes most of her homework in the allotted time and is proud of her progress. The mother also feels relieved.
Note: Some parents are afraid that their children might miss out on material as a result. However, studying for hours on end does children more harm than good. On the one hand, more and more resistance builds up and motivation increasingly suffers. On the other hand, the children are sometimes so exhausted that they get their much-needed relaxation time during quiet time at school and the more they have to do at home, the less they get done there. On the other hand, many studies - including the famous Hattie study - show that homework in elementary school has very little effect on learning progress. Children are much better served in the long term if they do less homework, but learn to plan it, organize it well and focus on it.
Practicing concentration
As mentioned at the beginning, concentration is a red rag for many dreamy children and those with ADHD or ADD. Many children also have no idea what exactly is expected of them when they are told to concentrate. Above all, they don't know how they can improve.
Emma certainly felt the same way: "Everyone wants me to concentrate better and no one shows me how to do it!
She feels like Charlie the bunny girl in our children's novel "Charlie, are you dreaming again?". She suffers from forgetting her homework, being constantly admonished by her teacher and even losing her friend Merle's friendship bracelet in a scatterbrained moment.
In the deserted forest, she meets the wise she-wolf Sakiba, who teaches her the wolf's eye: the ability to focus completely on one thing. With the help of mindfulness exercises, the rabbit girl learns to direct her attention more consciously and to bring it back when it wanders.
In the morning when getting dressed and doing her homework, Charlie says to herself: "Wolf's eye on!" to put herself in a focused state.
If your child doesn't like wolves, other role models are also suitable. This could be Lionel Messi mode or Puma focus. The important thing is that the child associates concentration with a positive role model that they want to emulate and practises getting into this state of mind.
The fact is that a child cannot always concentrate. And daydreams are also something beautiful that needs to be nurtured!
Charlie the bunny girl therefore learns about the "if-then plan".
This reminds her to switch on her wolf's eye in particularly important situations. For example, when her teacher Mrs. Lynx writes her homework on the blackboard.
In bed at night, she imagines the scene and pictures everything in detail. As soon as Mrs. Lynx writes the word homework on the board, Charlie says to herself: "When Mrs. Lynx writes the homework on the board, then I immediately take out my homework notebook and write everything down. I think about what I need to take with me so that I can do my homework."
Patient guidance
Daydreaming children need adults who give them time. I (Fabian Grolimund) was a very dreamy child and was put back a year because I wasn't ready for school (which, incidentally, can be a very sensible measure if there are signs of ADHD). Nevertheless, I was so blocked in first grade that I refused to read in my first year at school. Fortunately, my first and second grade teacher was a patient, warm person. She gave me time. When I was daydreaming, she would say my name in a soft, warm tone - without criticism. When I paid attention, she smiled at me. I felt at ease and was able to relax more and more and turn my attention to the lessons. Her attitude was clear, namely:
- I see you
- You are safe here and can relax
- You do it at your own pace - I'm happy when you pay attention and look after you when you don't
Time pressure, stress and impatience usually exacerbate the symptoms of dreamy children or those with ADD or ADHD. We all feel this pressure. As a teacher, we might say "I have to get through the curriculum!" and as a parent "she/he just has to do the homework!". This means that all the pressure is passed on to the child - they have to cope on their own. However, dreamy children are dependent on adults who act as a kind of buffer and say: "Yes, this is perhaps what is required from "above" - and I take a close look and decide what is possible for my child. If it's too much, we adults have to think about where we can cut back."
We almost always find that elementary school teachers are happy to look for solutions together with parents if they openly report difficulties. Every now and then, a teacher may not be receptive. As a parent, you can still stand up for your child. Larissa, mother of 9-year-old Zoe, describes it like this: "The teacher simply said that the homework was the same for everyone and that my daughter just had to get it done. There was nothing to discuss. Now we do it so that Zoe solves every second calculation in her head, for example, and the others with the calculator. Or I dictate the rest of the sentences to her if she has been working attentively for 30 minutes and hasn't finished. I also think coloring is a completely superfluous task - I'm happy to do that for her. Since we've been doing it this way, she works much faster and more focused and we no longer have any conflicts - perhaps because she senses that we are a team and that I expect something from her, but also support her."
Book tip
Little dreamers who forget their homework, can hardly concentrate in class and have a hard time keeping order will find a heroine in the bunny girl Charlie with whom they can identify and from whom they can learn. In our children's book "Charlie, are you daydreaming again?", your child will discover the wolf's eye, which helps them to focus fully on a task. Available on amazon.co.uk and soon on amazon.com
For children with ADHD or ADD and their parents, school time is often very difficult. The children usually avoid unpleasant homework, involve their parents in endless discussions about the sense and nonsense of certain exercises, dawdle and daydream and quickly become frustrated when they fail or are unable to complete a task. Even parents with a high level of parenting skills are often pushed to their limits by the learning and homework situation with dreamers and whirlwinds.
Due to these difficulties, normal parenting skills are usually not enough. Where many other parents can sit back and relax, you as the mother or father of a child with ADD / ADHD need to know how to:
Increase your child's concentration & perseverance.
Reduce frustration, arguments & tears around homework.
get chaos & forgetfulness under control.
help your child to be more successful through clever learning strategies.
encourage your child's strengths.
support your child when he/she fails & protect his/her self-esteem.
You can find out more about exactly these points in our free newsletter. Register now:
Fabian Grolimund and Stefanie Heyden are Swiss psychologists and experts on learning with ADHD and ADD. They are the authors of several bestsellers. "Charlie, Are You Daydreaming Again?" is their first book to be translated into English. It will be published in April 2024.
How does your child react when he or she encounters an obstacle, such as a difficult task? Does he/she immediately throw in the towel or keep practicing?
Many children with ADHD and ADD have a rather low frustration tolerance. They are quick to despair, often claim to be able to do everything straight away and give up at the first sign of uncertainty.
But they can also learn that they are allowed to make mistakes in the learning process and that it is normal for it to take a little while from time to time for an "aha" moment to occur.
Psychology professor Carol Dweck (2007) was able to prove that children react differently to performance situations - depending on the type of self-concept they have. She distinguishes between two forms: The dynamic and the static self-concept.
People with a dynamic self-concept have a growth perspective. They approach challenges with the following attitude:
What is not, can still be. The important thing is that I make an effort and develop good strategies.
I can't do that yet.
It's difficult, but I can take my time and learn at my own pace.
Skills and knowledge are acquired through perseverance and practice.
People with a static self-concept have a completely different experience. They are convinced that they were born with specific strengths and weaknesses - they believe in talent and aptitude, IQ and genes and are fixated on these.
People with a static self-concept are reflected in the following statements:
This is who I am.
I can do this. I can't do that.
I'm too stupid / too untalented for that.
I will never learn xy.
Either you get it or you don't.
I have to be able to do everything immediately.
I didn't make it, so I'm not cut out for this task - what's the point of learning / practicing?
A large number of studies have shown that children can cope well with obstacles and failures if they believe that they can improve through practice (cf. Blackwell et al., 2007; Zentall & Morris, 2010; Mueller & Dweck, 1998). This suggests that a dynamic self-concept is helpful.
In contrast, children give up quickly if they believe that performance depends on intelligence or talent. This belief is even encouraged in children by praise: When adults tell children they are smart, they are subsequently more likely to give up in the face of difficulty, cheat, and cover up mistakes (Zhao et al., 2017).
Why? For people who have developed a static self-concept, every obstacle to learning becomes a threat - after all, it could become apparent that their intelligence or talent is insufficient. Failure is seen as proof that you are "too stupid", which is why it is no longer worth trying again.
We should therefore refrain from praising children for being "gifted in XY" or "intelligent".
Instead, we can strive to give children a dynamic self-concept, i.e. to teach them that skills can be developed and that it is worthwhile to persevere. Situations in which children encounter difficulties are particularly important. Let's look at different ways to encourage perseverance in children.
Describe the task as difficult
When children are struggling with a math problem or a new piece of music, they often say, "I can't do it! We adults are quick to jump in and try to show the youngsters that the task is doable:
"Come on, it's not that hard - you can do it!"
"All you have to do is...!"
"It's actually quite easy, you just have to try!"
These statements are only helpful if the daughter or son believes them, gets started and immediately experiences that the task is really easy and can be solved straight away. In all other cases, they lead the child to perceive the task as a threat to his or her self-worth.
Imagine you have changed jobs and are having difficulties with one of the tasks assigned to you - for example with a new computer program. How would you feel if your colleagues said: "Oh come on, it's really easy!"?
You would probably think: "If they all find it so easy and I don't get it - then I'm probably too stupid!"
It is much worse to fail at a seemingly simple task than at a challenging one. You would probably be more relaxed and at the same time more motivated and confident if your colleagues patted you on the back and said: "Yes...that also took me some time to get used to. Just keep at it and get in touch if you have any questions - with time and a bit of practice, it will gradually become clearer..."
If your child is despairing about a task, it is helpful to first address his or her perception: "This seems like a huge mountain to you right now" or "This is really tricky. If the child agrees, you can redirect his or her focus back to the task: "Come on, let's read through the task in peace and quiet first," "Let's think about what exactly this is about... How could you proceed?", "What did you understand? ". We can make him aware of the current status and help him develop goals and a plan. It is helpful to let the child know that much is a matter of practice: "It took me a long time to understand this as a child. It takes a little persistence. But I think you can do it!"
A nice side effect of this is that when we are able to solve a difficult task, we feel a sense of satisfaction and pride afterwards. This feeling is taken away from the child if the task is labeled as easy.
Show your child appreciation when they persevere
It takes confidence, patience, and a good dose of frustration tolerance to solve difficult problems and try new things. The more a child believes that he or she must understand and be able to do everything right away, the harder it will be for him or her to deal with failure and challenging tasks. We can help children and young people by encouraging them to persevere in the face of difficulties, by giving them encouragement, and by rejoicing when they show perseverance and persistence. This might sound like this:
"Hey, you've been at this a long time now!"
"Okay, this isn't going to be easy...it's going to take a bit of bite!"
"Now you've got it! Sometimes it takes two or three attempts, but then it's all the better when the big "AHA!" finally comes!"
"I know that didn't work last time. Now it takes a lot of courage to go for it again. Do you want to try again?"
"That sounds much smoother already! You're getting a bit faster with every run."
Typically, children receive recognition for the outcome - for being "good" or doing a task "right. But if we want to strengthen children's frustration tolerance, we should change our perspective and focus more on the child's attitude toward the work. Children benefit from parents who can see progress (even small progress, depending on the child), take pleasure in it, and make the child aware that skills develop over time and that their efforts pay off.
It takes motivation, effort, and a willingness to jump over one's own shadow for a child with ADHD or ADD to make the effort to study a difficult subject, to face one's weaknesses, and to return to learning after failure. If the student has parents or teachers who see these efforts as worthwhile, they are more likely to follow this path.
Help your child to become aware of their strategies
When your child has tackled that arithmetic problem, that tricky puzzle, or that challenging piece of music, and has made a small success, you can rejoice with him and ask him a simple question: "How did you do that?" The child now begins to become aware of his or her strategy:
"Well, I looked for the corners first and put the edge together. From then on, it was easier."
"Hm... there was that part in the play where I always messed up, I practiced it a few times individually."
"I took a short break and then sat down again. Then it somehow worked out."
By helping your child reflect on his or her actions, you strengthen them for future challenges. They will realize that their successes and progress do not happen by accident, but through their own efforts. In this way, you equip his toolbox and increase his confidence in his own abilities: "Aha, when I'm faced with a difficult task, I can do a or b. If that doesn't work, I can try c. If that doesn't work, I can try x."
Offer yourself as a model
We can also help children to be more persevering by setting an example. It is helpful for children to experience again and again in everyday life that not everything is easy for their parents either. If parents remain patient and persistent in the face of difficulties and say to themselves: "OK, relax...you made a mistake somewhere...read the instructions again carefully...", children who observe this will realize that sometimes it takes a little patience to find a solution. It helps if we tell children from time to time about our own difficulties and how we deal with them. The research team of Perry and Penner (1990) showed how effective even brief exposure to a positive model can be. They showed psychology students a video of a professor. The professor talked about his undergraduate years and described an event in which he endured repeated failures and didn't give up until a friend persuaded him to. He went on to successfully graduate from university. He emphasized that achievement depends primarily on personal effort and that skills can be trained through practice. The students who watched the video performed better at the end of the semester. Have there been times in your academic or professional career when you have had to pick yourself up after a setback? What stories can you share with your children?
Intelligence, talent, strengths and weaknesses
It is helpful if we can teach children and young people that perseverance is worthwhile. But there are limits to this attitude. We all know that people have different strengths and weaknesses, talents and interests. If we give in to the illusion that these don't matter, and that anything is possible if you try hard enough and believe in it, we run the risk of overtaxing ourselves and our children. Students with learning disabilities and ADHD in particular may experience years of trying incredibly hard, but not seeing that persistence reflected in their grades.
This is where we are challenged:
Appreciate the child's effort
Focus on the small steps forward
To see the child in his or her disappointment and catch him or her.
But also to accept that some areas may remain problematic despite great efforts!
The most important facts in brief
Children develop more perseverance when:
The environment values perseverance and patience more than talent and ability
Parents set an example that skills can be developed through practice and that difficulties are part of the learning process
The task is described as difficult
Adults encourage the child to try again
The child is encouraged to find solutions by asking questions ("How did you do that? Do you want to know what helps me sometimes?") and by being aware of his or her strategies ("How did you do that?").
Adults express the expectation that the child will make an effort, but do not ask for more than the child can achieve.
Note: Every two weeks, our free newsletter contains a short, easy-to-implement tip for parents of children with ADHD and ADD. Tip by tip, you will gain a better understanding of what you can do to help your child:
Concentrate better
Learn to manage their emotions
Become more organized and less forgetful
Study with more motivation
Become more independent
And develop a healthy self-confidence.
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